I was sent this lot today in an email: It made me laugh so I hope it makes my reader also laugh!
Can you believe it?

In honour of Stupid People . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


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On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

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On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)





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On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)



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On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

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On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


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On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)


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On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)



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On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)



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On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)


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On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)


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On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


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On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)


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On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


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On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


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Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to someone to whom you want to bring a smile (maybe even chuckle)...

From the Parish Press!

The following have all appeared in church magazines so let us thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

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Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.

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Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'

Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love.

Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation .

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'

On 12th August I became the proud owner of 2 titanium screws in my right leg, put there to to hold it all together. So now, I am plastered (I wish)and have to spend my days, for the first 6 weeks, with it "up" for 55 minutes in every hour. So I have been ensuring that I do not get bored and have spent my days in a variety of recumbent occupations.

I have for instance discovered that the Church of England website has a daily feed for prayer! No longer do we need to have prayer books, we can all take our laptops to church and log on!

CW Morning Prayer

Yesterday
http://daily.commonworship.com/daily.cgi?yesterday_mp=1
Today
http://daily.commonworship.com/daily.cgi?today_mp=1
Tomorrow
http://daily.commonworship.com/daily.cgi?tomorrow_mp=1

The mind quite boggles!

I have become an avid follower of "Codeword" in The Times and the Jumbo weekend crossword which more or less keeps me going all week! I am reading 3 books at the moment - the first by Ronald Blyth celebrating gardens: it has the most wonderful illustrations and black & white photograph - it is worth reading for the illustrations alone. Then "The Time Traveller's Wife" which is just out/coming out as a film. Excellent read, great fun. The third one is pulp fiction cannot

remember author or title but it is about a Scottish House in the 1830's: instantly forgettable but good at night if you need something to read!

The rest of my time is spent dealing with emails and the like, or playing computer golf or browsi ng the internet for the perfect last minute holiday deal for about next February when I am finally out of plaster and slightly mobile again - something to shorten winter. There are some amazing deals out there, but the one place I really want to go to - Madeira - remains hideously expensive. Warm, inexpensive (different from cheap!!), and fun, snd able preferably to fly from Stansted.

Monday 21st September is the 40th anniversary of my ordination as deacon in the Church of England. I was ordained priest a year later. My ordination as deacon was by the then Bishop of Barking (William Chadwick) in Waltham Abbey. He was a funny austere man who had not married and hav very little idea about parish life. His one word to me was to make sure that apart from my day off I had one more evening each week at home with my wife and children! Whenever we met in the ensuing time he would look quizz ickly at me and say "Who are you?....Where are you?.... It put one firmly in ones place. A very different kettle of bishop from the Bp of Colchester whern I moved into his area 2 1/2 years later. Every time he met me he remembered not only my name but also that of all the children as they came along in the coming years: indeed he became a close friend when Ihe invied me to become Rector of the parish in which he lived, and had, by then baptized at least one of them and confirmed 3 of them. Hopeless administrator, but wonderful person and support. This particular church was a shared building with the United Reformed Church. Bp. Roderic once adised me not to tell him too much about what was going on, because as a Bishop "I certainly could not sanction you doing many of the things you are doing, but someone has got to push the boundaries of the church..." What wonderful advice which has stayed with me ever since and really makes one want to challenge 95% of what bishops say and do. All of this nonsense about how we are to conduct ourselves in church while swine flu is around. Stuff and nonsense!

Cool down Chris

So on Sunday 20th I will be celebrating and preaching at the Eucharist with the regular 11 00 congregation at Great Waltham plus about 40 family and friends from the past 50 + years followed by a bite to eat. That has got to be good!

HOW I ORGANISED THE GREAT WALTHAM VILLAGE FETE .

By Scamp.

Well, though I say it myself – it was quite impressive wasn’t it? I hope you came and saw what a great day out it was. And wasn’t it a very sensible idea to use the Recreation Ground where there is so much room for everything?

My humans at home with a few others spent some of Friday (on my instructions) putting up marquees for some of the arty-craft things. They got a bit wet and didn’t half grumble because there was quite a thunderstorm. Anyway they got them up and then we went home for fish and chips.

On Saturday morning I was back on duty to see that everything happened as it needed it to There were yet more tents and things to put up; tables and chairs to be put out and so many other bits and pieces. Fortunately it was a lovely hot day, and I met lots of new doggy friends – but sadly I was too busy to play as I had everything to organise. I had a very nice young helper in tow they called her Jazz (which is a very discordant kind of music that my human at home is always playing very loudly when the Head Gardener is out. It gets on my nerves! But this Jazz was lovely and we walked round the recreation ground about 90 times that day, I must say she seemed a bit tired at the end of it. These young people just haven’t got the stamina! Oh except for those wonderful athletes (The Blue Falcons) who were running and jumping over horses and vans and things. They were brilliant!

There were all sorts of things going on all afternoon – there were teas, a beer tent, a barbecue, a very noisy lorry with an organ thing in it playing loud music; there were craft stalls, there was a bric-a-brac stall, book stall, ice creams for sale, strawberries and cream. And did you see those two wonderful old motorbikes. Oh,I would have loved to give them a chase.

And did you see that very clever man making things out of bits of wood? He was brilliant.

I do hope it all made lots of money because it will mostly go to keep the churches in our village in good repair – and do they need it – a huge chuck of stone fell off the church in Great Waltham in July – it is going to cost thousands and thousands of pounds to repair: if bits keep falling off it will become very dangerous and I shan’t be able to walk near it.....so I hope they get it repaired soon.

But do you know – after all my hard work still no one has told me how much I raised – isn’t that a shame because it was the very best fete that I have ever been to?

See you

SCAMP

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
 
 George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the  garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
 
 He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy.  You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
 
 George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
  
 "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now, because I just shot them." and he hung up.  Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them.

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
 
 (True Story)

I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people.  

Hi! It seems weeks since I wrote anything - and it is - nearly 6. I really do not know where the time goes when you are having fun! Well I wonder whether it is fun? Putting a house on the market because a family member has died: hardly fun, but certainly time consuming, despite the fact that it sold within a week, but then there is all the business of HIPS, clearing out the house, dealing with estate agents, solicitors, banks etc. Having Enduring Power of Attorney takes one into a whole different world. Then there's funerals - not having taken a funeral for months, they turn up like London Buses - three in a row - all within a week; and a service of thanksgiving for my very first boss who was such an inspirational man at which I was asked to take the service and give the address: what an honour! and it was a great occasion, celebrating the life of a man who was much loved by his family and the people he worked with over 50 or more years. And then top of it all the Head Gardener contracted Shingles which was most painful for her: we had to cancel our first holiday (in the week before Easter) when we were due away in the caravan, but another one is planned for the end of May, when we hope to have better luck.

I had a message that I had included Mrs Beamish in my latest blog- which was news to me, but now I will because it made me laugh - do go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uc80G6Yzu04 

and really have a good laugh. There are so many there - many by Rowan Atkinson but I think there is little to beat Mrs Beamish.

Take care, and I will add some more very soon!

Chris

Another email I received - this is incredible!!

WHY BOYS NEED PARENTS!

someone  sent me an email containing these pictures

captioned "Why Boys need Parents". I hope they make you smile!













Have a good day!

Chris