Hello! My name is Doushal Sentry Duty which is a very silly name, so everyone calls me Scamp, which they say, jokily, Scamp by name, Scamp by nature. Really can't get my head round this humans-at-home kind of humour. But I do live up to my real name - when I am outside I patrol up and down the perimeter fence looking for other dogs, birds, rodents to bark at. Actually what I bark at most are snails - well they don't DO anything do they? Whenever I find one, they retreat inside their shells, so I bark very excitedly to get them to come and play. But they are so boring, they refuse even to look at me. We really could have a good game - I would lick them to death, if only they would let me. So boring. When I am indoors I like to sit on the windowsill in the garden room: I can see for miles across the fields - and I can bark at the birds - especially those 2 big white ones when they come into view. I think he said they were egrets, but what does he know?

Anyway - I have been given permission to write something this time - he said something about it being an early Christmas present - but he is such a tight-wad that I know he was not even going to buy me one - he's too mean even to buy a wallet - that's the Scots blood left in him, and I should know, with my Cairn blood in me. Actually, the Elliotts never were true Scots, they were a band of marauders who rustled cattle in the Borders, and now they pretend to be respectable! I ask you.

I've actually been very poorly for a couple of weeks. Puking and squitting all over the place. They took me to the dog-doctor who treated me abominably. All I wanted was to be left alone but he poked and prodded me all over, stuck something up my backside and said my temperature was normal, but I was obviously suffering from something, so he stuck a needle in me and took a load of blood out of me, and then stuck another needle in me to try and replace that blood but it didn't look like blood, I think he said it was Aunty's Biotics. Which Aunty is that? Whats a biotic when it is at home? This dog-doctor then gave instructions about what I could and could not eat - it seems to be next to nothing, but at least it is 3-4 times a day rather than once, and they do keep feeing my chicken and rice: rice is so boring, when you are young and lusty like me you want real food - lots of steak and potato, lots of fatty foods. But no - a non-fat diet. I ask you, its not very good for your street cred: and I've lost so much weight - I'm fair fading away. Here's a picture of me feeling right poorly. What a sorry sight I am. The dog doctor said that I have got pancreatitis for which there is no medicine or tablets, just careful eating which is so boring!

I must tell you about my girl friend. Her name is Ruby - actually she is a bit of a rough diamond, because she does love a good punch up. We meet several morning a week out in the fields and my human-at-home trusts me enough to let me off my lead whenever we meet so that we can have a bit of a lark around. Ruby and I get to see how many other dogs in the group get jealous - and also generally try and knock at least one other human over. That's not boring I can tell you! Ruby is a very good boxer (not boxer as in breed - boxer as in pugilist - big dog-word for one who is good with paws - paws at the kerb and all that mullarky which I have never bothered with - thats for softies - but maybe thats why they don't often let me off the lead....), so we have a bit of a punch-up and chew each other to bits, and then she loses interest. I sometimes wonder whether she is faithful........ But we did try to elope one morning last February. It was a great lark, but the thing was we got lost in the fog, and eventually they came to rescue us, but which time we were both exhausted and eloping had lost its appeal, so we went home.

So that's me. If ever you see me around Minnow End do stop for a sniff - there are such good smells on the posts and trees there - it's worth a visit.

See you!

Scamp

(Thats webdings for Scamp)